The Misadventures of Moger

The Misadventures of Moger. Chapter Twenty Seven, Episode Nine?, Series Sixteen. Definitely Series Sixteen. ‘Stop looking at me like that.’

The pseudodragon cocked his head, looking at me with that look of his. The bastard.

‘Listen, I know that we’re probably lost. You're usually right about these things...I just ah….’

My tooth was loose again, was it the third time this month? Oh well! Which town are we in?

‘Why don’t you be useful and go get me some waffles, or some money,  or both .’ I said.

I just had the brilliant idea that I can send him to get me two different things at the same time.

Tang just flapped his wings and hopped onto the stool in front of me, he opened his mouth.

And spoke: ‘We’re just outside Neverwinter Moger.

’ My jaw fell open. ‘Since when can you talk!?’

He then turned pink, grew ten times his size and said

. ‘I can’t talk, you’re dreaming.’ … ...

I woke up hearing banging on the door, ah they must have brought me breakfast!

‘Open this fucking door! I saw you, you bastard! What did you do with my sheep!?”

A loud angry unfamiliar voice assaulted my precious morning ears. I looked down, my pants were gone.

There’s a syrupy substance on my chest. ‘Just a minute!’  I called out, I had to get dressed before I greet them of course. But, when I tried moving my right arm I noticed that it was handcuffed. My wrist was bound to the bed post, from the way it hurt... probably for a while.

How the hell did I end up like this? Where am I? Who am I really is the question.

‘I’m going to break in and murder you! Who’s going to pay for the damages!?’

‘Your mother!’  I yelled out, fuck why did I do that. I’m sure He made me do it.

‘What did you say you piece of shit!? You fuck my sheep to death then insult my mother!?’

The angry voice called out again. The banging grew louder.

‘I’m sorry, I’d love to talk but I’m still recovering from last night with your mom.’

No, no, no why! Why did I do that! Then the sound of cracking wood and suddenly…

A large very angry farmer looking type with an axe was standing in the room with me.

‘Get him Tang!’  I called out, but the useless pseudodragon was nowhere to be found.

I probably forgot to summon him again. ‘I’m going to…’  He then looked at my predicament clearly confused.

‘Why you are… and where your pants are, what is that on your…? Never mind! Listen I’ll forget all of this as long as you agree to pay for the damages.’

I sighed a breath of relief. ‘Sure, I’m sorry let me just get my…’ Then it happened again.

‘…fingers out of your mother and I’ll pay you.’

His face turned a bright red, I’m sure the Old One would be pleased.

But… I did have the problem of a large axe spinning down to me, I shrieked and turned. The blade cut down. Slicing through the chain of the handcuff. Cool, hand is free. ‘Aha! You have released the great Moger!’  I stood up on the bed, my groin close to his face. I tried to blast him but nothing came up. ‘Hold on just a second angry man…’  I closed my eyes and in that moment the world froze. … ...

I was in the room again, the room with a single stool.

I sat on the stool. ‘What’s the deal guy? Where’s my eldritch blast?’

‘Ah! Moger.’  The Voice said. The Old One.

‘Don’t you Ah Moger me… I need the blastyness.’

‘But we haven’t been having enough fun!’

‘Come on, just a bit of that magic today then you can do whatever.’

‘Fine, deal, but you’re losing your pants all through the week and Sunday is a free day for me.

’ ‘All right, All right now give me some blasts!’

‘ Cool, see you later Moger. Say hi to the guys for me will you?’

I opened my eyes and pointed my finger at him. Eldritch Blast Bitch.

He flew nearly halfway across the room, but he’s still alive it’s cool

. So, I found my pants and gave the poor guy some gold coins over his unconscious body.

I’m not an animal, I have standards you know. I couldn’t find those pants though.

To the general store! I went downstairs and sadly they didn’t have waffles either.

Seeing me kind of shocked the people of the inn though, I know, I’m a handsome devil.

Stepping outside was always confusing, I just walk around and end up in new places

. At least this place doesn’t look like that place with all the metal and the robot skeleton arms.

What is this place called again? Hyrule…Verces…Barovia… Oh! This is Faerun. Yes.

I followed the cobblestone roads, getting a few winks and blushes before a good enough establishment showed itself. A modest place with thatch and a wooden door. Le Olde General Shoppe, or the place where I can get pants and sometimes waffles.The interior was dimly lit and drab. Sigh. So boring.

‘That’ll be ten gold pieces sir.’ The shopkeeper said, placing a bundle of bolts on the counter. ‘Ten? Well… can you throw in some animal fat and twine for twelve?’ The hooded man buying the bolts said, shifting the crossbow on his shoulder. I waited as long as I could hearing him haggling over bolts and stuff.

God this is getting boring. I shoved him aside and placed fifty gold coins on the counter.

‘I need fifty pairs of pants good sir, and all the waffles and syrup this money can buy!’